Be gone, 2010!

on the 2nd last day of 2010, i reckon i should do a personal summary of my year.

this year hasnt been a fruitful year, though i have to admit some major changes were made.

first and foremost. my extended family met my bf for the first time. then. shortly after. we broke up.

my status changed from being engaged to single.

i stopped working. too shattered to do anything. and at the same time. racqueen started her divorce drama. so while being jobless. i became her 'legal consultant cum PA cum aunt agony'. as much agony as i was in, i somehow sought comfort knowing that im not the only one that's screwed up. there goes this saying, '9 out of 10 people around you will be gloating over your worries as they are happy to know someone else is far worse than they are.' not sure if im gloating over it, but i definitely benefited a lot from being by her side.

racqueen and i grew closer. so that's number three on the list. relationship with cousin became more like a sisters' bond.

four. i learnt how to prepare for my future divorce. not that im planning for it. but you know, just in case. the necessary charges to file under, necessary documentations to prepare, the the SOP proceedings. i think i cna represent myself in future if i ever need to end a marriage.

fifth on the list. brother got married. to a vietnamnese. not sure how i feel about it. mixed feelings. just wished that he's more sensible to plan ahead instead of relying on mother to be the sole provider. tsk tsk.

sixth. i began dating a number of random men. my 2010 is filled with companions. but none of which let me want them so badly to make them mine.

seventh. got myself a job. got myself rejected by boucheron. and got myself two old spinsters as my bosses. go figure.

eighth. i moved out. shifted and started my full independence. im still loving and enjoying it while also struggling to cope with the increase in expenditures.

ninth. i took up dragonboating again in my desperate attempt to stay healthy and fit. so far, it's just been 2 sessions.

tenth. hmm. realised at the end of the day. im really happier alone. love can be such a nuisance when you're the only one clapping.

last, but not least. eleventh. this one is really heart wrenching and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. my darling companion for the past 11 years. rocher. my darling rocher left us. spare the details. my only consolation from it was. he waited till im home. and he chose to drift away in my arms. till now. i still have him in my heart. he's like constantly there with me. though i really miss playing tug-of-war with him. miss abusing him and trapping him under the sheets. i miss sleeping with my rocher. farewell rocher. farewell!

that's all for now. :) can't wait for 2011 to start. i havent had a fulfilling year for a long time...

agenda for the past year

i have forgotten about this blog, until a new friend reminded me of it.

read through my past posts. and i have to say it was a different me back then. pretty much the same yvonne you will see. but deep inside. its never the same again.

so. as i have been absent from here for almsot a year. i have a listful of things to update.

1) farewell, rocher
2) he be gone
3) the aftermath of active searching
4) spouses
5) friends
6) me, myself and yvonne

shall start writing soon. not now though. my brain isnt working yet.

My New Life

i've moved out. and moved on hopefully.

this was a painful decision. i hate to be separated from family but i hope this is for the better.

have i moved on? im trying to. i cant deny that i am still jaded from GT. he failed his promises and our dreams. this month had been particularly tough for me. new job. new place. new life. and a marriage promise failed.

i dont think i am ready for any commitments now. i just need a good company. i just need someone to snuggle with me when im lonely. someone to touch and caress me when im feeling lousy. someone to return to after a f-ed day at work. but i dont want to report to anyone my whereabouts. i dont want anyone to report to me their whereabouts. i dont want emotional blackmails. i dont wanna pin and hope for anyone. i just want myself to be loved by me, and those random people.

it took a lot of me to start blogging. let alone writing my old diary. the last post i had of my diary was when GT was with me at amara sentosa. the post ended with "i love my baby so". yes i sent him a 'miss you' email this 10th. cos i was feeling sad with the broken promise. he replied with a long, yet cold and unfeeling email.

that's it. isnt it? when a relationship fails. one cries. the other one glories. i hope i can be the one glorifying it. any advice?

the grand finale

i have always wanted to write you this letter. but each time i try. i quit. i think i am ready now. and this is my truest for you.

it has been very hard to visit the pubs for the past months. none of them sing any better than you. the way you would send me weak to my knees worshiping you. none of them can play 5 5 5 better than you though you always lose me. and yes i miss hearing you shouting "shi fu" and feeding my ego and pride so buey-gam-waning! none of them can appraise my singing and use the jargons so aptly. no one understood my voice, my genre more than you do. no one appreciates the songs i learn from xing guang as much as you do. and no one. NO ONE sings guang dao so gam-ly with me the way you do. i always thought we were a perfect couple whenever we sing that song.

remember you promised to be my strategist if i ever join superstar? i still hold you to that promise. and i will half my winnings. yes i remember. dont sing "ai yo ai yo ai yo..." the first round. not "sometimes love just aint enough" either. and will definitely leave my "april 5th 1969" to the last few rounds.

i no longer go to the east side. too much reminds me of you. anything near geylang makes me nostalgically emotional. i remember da-baoing you tiao and dou jiang for aunty sharon for her house's gathering. i miss supper drinking with ur sis and marcus opp the mask. my heart always feel the pinch whenever i pass by JK though i know they have already closed down. the recent news about geylang serai reminds me of my weekly grocceries shopping with nana, when im alone. whenever i am on PIE, i'll stretch my neck and try spotting your house from the lanes between the factories. er5b415. i still remember our abbreviations. ecp seems so much like a taboo now for me. its hard.

i still dream of GZQ. not as often. but enough. glad to have had that with you before. and i will treat my next one doubly nice. with doubly tons of love. and hope you'll remember GZQ too.

i miss the sofa i placed. i miss decorating your rooms with all sorts of funny stuff. i miss forcing you to name all the figurines and start placing them in your car, and demanding that i am half your car's owner just because i chose it too. i miss the crazy drinkings. card playings. endless smoking in your room. and yes. somehow i miss seeing you pee outta your window.

all your funny antics. all the smiles i get when i see you driving in to pick me up. all the bebebebebebebebes. all the "bebe will you pass the the dustbin please" with my puppy eyes and act cute voice. all the endless chang beer grabbing in giant. all the checking out the cheapest grab by comparing contents vs price. and not forgetting the sukiyaki, shabu shabu, dory fish fillets. and you are sure the first person i ever bought soy sauce in the biggest container ever!

from your TW to Lapin Bunny. we have walked a long way. i can still remember how happy i felt whenever i hear your TWs alarm go off. knowing you're home. or those times i wave you goodbye and watch you ride safely out of the carpark after lunching at home. or sending my flying kisses to you from your window and seeing you kiss me back. i miss preparing meals for you. and seeing you enjoying the food. and i always look forward to you having a second helping of rice cos its an indication that my dishes are tasty.

its funny how many things we have done the past year we have been together. all in just the span of a year. while being in it. everything seem so long. days seem like years. but now. whenever i think of it. i still feel sourness in my throat and tears in my eyes. but in addition to that. i smile.

i will always miss having someone to know me so well that so many things can be left unsaid and understood. and i will miss knowing someone so well. inside out. its not easy to know someone that well. especially when it makes it easier to know when they are lying when not. but i will miss it. for it's the most beautiful thing that have happened in our short span together.

i know you are happy now. and i will be happy too. we will be friends eventually. but just probably not now.

i miss you bebe. take care. and live well!


love,
bebe