my half truths

after the usual routine of hugs and kisses. i helped him with his usual light luggage. i have already began to wonder the nationality of the man im dating. we headed to our usual dinner place. ordered the usual feast. he must have spotted my unusual quietness and indifference.

"is there anything wrong babe? you looked troubled"

"is this gonna be what it'll be for the next 6 months to 2 years? you spending 3/4 time not around, and when i start my school, it'll be even more impossible for us to meet isn't it?"

he just gave me his usual silent nod of agreement, this time, his concerned look. he must have felt how this is draining me away.

"i am starting to fear us drifting away. that you will no longer be a part of my life. that i cant confide in you, whine to you, talk to you. im beginning to fear that you will no longer know what is going on in my life. and i fear i will no longer be a part of your life too. i can see you drowning yourself in your work. and you'll unknowingly forget that i need some attention too. i dont know how will things work. i tried to troubleshoot. but i find no solution. i dont know what to do."

he gave me another silent nod, which i took as an indication to carry on.

"you told me before if i ever have to go abroad to study or work. you would end this relationship for you know distance drains a relationship. instead of hanging on to a thin thread, might as well let it go. isnt it the same now? you're there and im here. you fly back as and when the next minute you're gone. even when we are spending time together, your minds all about your work, your colleagues and the troubles they are in. what about me? i cant force you to call or write to me routinely daily at the same hour. i dont want forced communication. but not communicating. we drift away. tell me what to do?"

"trust babe, we run this by trust."

so it seems. the conversation was headed for nowhere. he understands the problems, and he knows there aint no solution to them. he clearly knows that neither of us bears to let this go just like that, but the void is left in me is getting way too much for me to bear and handle.

"but you know babe. career over relationship. that's my priority. i can let my relationship fail. not my career. not now."

with that. i forced back my tears and swallowed the bitterness. what more can i say to a problem without a solution.

after dinner we sat in the cafe for his usual dose of coffee. he got busy with his iphone checking for emails, shares and his what nots. quietly sitting opposite him, i stared blankly into the her world magazine as my mind drifted into the darkest corners of my heart. ...
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"you done?" the familiar voice smacked me out of my thoughts and brought me back to reality. i hastily placed back my magazine into its original place and hurriedly picked up my bags. i swear i have flustered written all over my face.

"i bet it must have been another touchy mushy feature story in her world again. you havent flipped the page for the past 15mins and your eyes are red."

"oh. ya. uh huh" and we walked towards the taxi. he caught me well off guard. dangerous.